"Can you imagine?" :
- Wishing that you could revert back to this day back in 1995 , and still feel the impending excitement and joy of birth of 6 pups from your cherished Scottish Terrier?
- Not feeling compelled to LOVE, keep and provide a home to that special tiny tiger-striped fighter pup, and giving up that next possible "show prospect"?
- Not becoming so obsessive and caring about that little Pocket pup to share your bed with her every night and never leaving her in someone else's care , including a Veterinarians' for more than a few hours, for her ENTIRE life?
- To not provide everything in your means consisting of daily care, veterinary care, grooming, physical and emotional attachment for her 11 and 1/2 years of LIFE?
- To have pages and pages of documented "extras" of veterinary care, just to monitor her well-being, seek solutions to symptoms, and administer prescribed daily medications for chronic and intermittent conditions?
- To be so riddled with sadness witnessing age and decline and knowing in your heart that time is going to run out with your beloved pet?
- To witness that dreaded day , when sickness is no longer tolerable, and death imminent, and have a trusted Veterinarian push you away from the kindest option available to animals?
- To drive over an hour to a strange place, strange surroundings, and and have a "well-educated licensed professional" tell you treatment is the "right option"?
- To still ask for your beloved pet to be "put-to-sleep" and have that suggestion refuted?
- To witness your much loved companion of 11 1/2 years decline, unable to stand, refuse food from your hand, and languish in a CAGE away from you 24 hours a day for an entire WEEK?
- To finally hear the words of that "trusted professional", Pocket isn't doing well, you MAY consider euthanasia NOW in the next 20 minutes?
- To witness the illegal, inhumane, and absolutely CONDEMNED by the American Veterinary Medical Association manner of death she experienced?
- To lose 10 pounds in a week, not be able to sleep for an entire full night, forgetting about eating, urinating once or twice a day, driving over an hour each way; becoming increasingly anxiety ridden, helpless, fearful, in shock, and riddled with grief?
- Walking around for months and months, with one foot in the real world and one in some other place?
- Unable to read beyond a paragraph, watch a TV show and not remember the story line, losing complete interest in every hobby you enjoyed?
- Bursting into tears at anytime of day unexpectedly and the becoming fearful to go shopping, see friends and family, or even looking into a mirror?
- Going to bed and waking up with the same, same, reliving of the scenes and conversations that transpired that entire week of horror?
- Screaming out verbally in what must have been moments of sleep, enough to scare someone else?
- Coming to grips that you, a person that has never had a mental disorder for 50 years, has to seek "professional care"? And coming to grips that others may now attach a stigma to you because of it?
- Knowing that some people you considered to be friends are avoiding you. Some are wondering why you don't respond to them or walk abruptly away from casual conversation?
- Why your hair suddenly turned gray and is falling out?
- Why you would ever agree to take psychiatric drugs that has side affects of increased stroke and diabetes?
- Why you would agree to the frequent interruption of scheduled counseling appointments with a professional experienced with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder for several years?
- Why you would take a drug that "balloons your weight upwards" to obesity, deadens your emotions, makes you chronically fatigued, and your muscles stiff and weighted like lead?
- Have everything you enjoyed become "meaningless" ? And praying for just a small piece of your previous life to return?
To just have ONE day, just one day, absent of the memory that was vile, evil, and cruel. And to remember that beloved pet and my life of loving and cherishing her without the interference of what happened to her at the end. I no longer pray, hope , or wish for "happiness and life's enjoyment", I pray and long for just ONE entire day devoid of sadness or absent of that horrific memory
Can you imagine? I can.